I've decided to redesign my blog site a little. I want it to reflect who I am and where I'm at, spiritually speaking. My worldview has gone through some changes since I was in my early 20s, and I guess I'm still learning what I believe.
If one thing's for sure, it's that nothing's for sure.
Such is life when you're in the middle. Right between doubt and faith. Clinging to your beliefs, but some days...just barely.
The funny, ironic twist: I'm employed full time in ministry. Actually, that's probably not all that ironic at all. For me, I've found that the best developer of my own beliefs and worldview is to simply sit back and watch how other people act. Are they religious nutcases? Are they arrogant jerks? Are they narcissistic and self-centered? Are they political ranters who condemn everybody and everything that doesn't agree with them? All of these scenarios have influenced who I am today. I guess it's all made me question what I believe, and—maybe more importantly—how I share those beliefs.
In one of his many great blog entries, Gordon Atkinson wrote, "Understand that this preacher NEVER asks people to become Christians. If anything, I warn people. I consider following Jesus to be a pretty stiff commitment, and I don't ever sugar coat it. If someone is seeking a spiritual path and wants to journey with me, I'm fine with that. I'll shoulder my pack, help get his adjusted, and we'll move on down the road together. I don't really give a sh*t about making converts. That's not my business. I will walk with people though, if they want."1 And so it seems to be with me. I'm not into encouraging 'personal relationships' with Jesus or saving anyone's soul. That's God's work. I'm fine with just admitting I'm a broken mess and only God can fix me. I'll walk beside someone and listen to their doubts, but I probably won't offer any trite answers.
Part of my own doubt arises from the brokenness and the ashes of life. In his book, O Me Of Little Faith, Jason Boyett writes, "For all the happy talk about God's blessing and favor on Christian TV, you don't have to look very far to find a God who seems less available than we'd like. Where is God among the AIDS and war orphans of East Africa? Where is God among the victims of terrorism? Where is God in the early death of a young mom from cancer? Where is God among the glitter of Las Vegas and the frenzy of Times Square? Where is God among the piracy of Somalia or the breadlines of Zimbabwe?"2 Jason Boyett's questions resonate so deeply with me. I turn on the television and stop at a gospel channel. There's a choir, praising God with so much zeal and enthusiasm, and I think to myself, "Sure, it's easy to praise God there in that comfy building with your nice robes. But would you sing those songs in the middle of the rubble and tent towns of Haiti?" I'll admit I'm not quite the activist I should be. There are so many injustices I should stand up against, but prayer seems to be my only weapon of choice. I can say, though, that it truly pains my heart when a child is abused, or a young man or woman dies of cancer, or when someone has to sleep on the street. And I, like so many, quietly wonder where God is in the midst of these injustices.
Still, I hold on. I cling to my faith because I want to believe that good will win out someday and that there really is a God out there who holds every tear that we shed. Faith and doubt. I cannot fully live on either side of these extremes, at least not yet. For every prayer of thankfulness that goes up, another of confusion and bewilderment follows. Contentment can be found in the middle, where doubt and faith meet. A questioning soul is a soul who cares and who deeply feels pain, and a faithful soul can still struggle with doubt.
1 Gordon Atkinson, RealLivePreacher.com (Grand Rapids, Eerdmans, 2004), 128.
2 Jason Boyett, O Me Of Little Faith: True Confessions Of A Spiritual Weakling (Grand Rapids, Zondervan, 2010), 209.
